Sweet Home Wolverhampton...

A bit of a self indulgent blog, and not entirely about running. Possibly the old taper madness kicking in, but bear with, bear with...

The Wednesday after my seaside weekend I got another cold. A snotty sneezy one with a lovely husky voice  but not as bad as the one I had after the Cambridge Half. Still annoying though, and combined with the windy conditions we've had it has made all my running feel pretty shit - I've felt like a knackered old carthorse. Shoot me now. My brain says it should be feeling easier and it has not been. However my heart rate shows no difference really so in physiological terms I guess I'm OK. It's just in my head.

I've started to feel a bit down. I can't help it. Why is this? I can see how lucky I am.

I've had a few people at work recently take me to one side and mutter things like "don't let it all bother you". I have felt a bit stressed but have no idea what it is looking like outwardly to other people - they can obviously tell a difference. We have had a lot of stuff going on over the past few weeks (including my team being purchased by another company, so TUPE etc) I don't really want to talk about work in detail here - you never know who is reading, I don't have any axe to grind to be honest. I feel a bit on edge but in my eyes I'm not acting differently?! So dear reader, if you feel the need put a comment on this blog as to how you percieve me as a person in 3 words or something because I'm starting to wonder if I have a clue how I appear outwardly to other people in work as well as general life. Scary huh?

Some would say it's only work but I'm made differently. I can't stand not being able to do the best job I can possibly do, weather that is down to my own inadequacies (in which case mental self beatings) or someone else's fuckuppage - if someone else is the problem I'm consumed by inner annoyance that I'm usually too much of a pansy to have a go about. I am a I.T. technical geek (my purse is made out of recycled circuit boards 8-) ) and I like what I do, but at the moment what I'm doing isn't really challenging me. I wouldn't say I'm bored but it's getting that way. I also feel like I'm viewed as some sort of monkey only good for doing monkey work, and everyone seems to have forgotten where my skills actually are, one of these is being able to pick things up pretty quickly and apply them which I think is fairly rare - what a waste. I am torn in my feelings because for all its faults I actually quite like where I'm working at the moment and when they day comes I have to go - which will probably be soon, I will be really quite upset. I am actually scared of having to work from home again, I think I'd end up going doolally.

It's a good job home workers don't have webcams on teleconferences

My days consist of this work, and my evenings consist of sitting in a hotel room working. Of course I'm getting paid for this, I'm not STUPID(!) and no one is forcing me but it is tedious, there is more to life and I feel like I'm missing out somehow. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, and therefore not sure how to change it. Get out of current contract, find interesting work, spend time at home and consider what I want to do? Maybe one day I'd consider doing an Ironman - I'd have to be home based to train. I'd quite like to do a course in sports massage, and bootcamp with my pals, all of which require me being at home really. Gosh it sounds like a mid life crisis brewing doesn't it. Before you know it I'll have pink hair and a Ferrari.

Talking of being at home, ah... home sweet home. I have lived in my current place for 5 years. I own a house that I used to live in years ago over the other side of Birmingham, but for various reasons I feel this is not my "home" any more and I want to keep it as an investment rather than live in it so I have tenants that an Estate Agent manages for me. So I reside in my posh flat in Wolverhampton that I rent myself whilst my own tenants cover my actual mortgage. I love the place I'm living in. It is convenient for all aspects of my life at the moment, and I feel safe, secure and calm when I'm at home. The problem with renting however is you are sometimes at the mercy of other peoples cock ups, and this time last year the company I rented off folded, they took out too many mortgages at a time the banks would lend to anyone. So recession presumably equals non payment on their part, prompting all kinds of "YOU WILL BE EVICTED" letters in my postbox from the Court and Bank. I came to an arrangement with the receivers in April 2012 that they became my landlord and it was all happy happy happy for a year with a small black cloud hanging over in the back of my mind. I knew it couldn't go on for ever. I'm surprised I've been so strong about it. At times I've felt like I've been crumbling a bit but pulled it back. I know I'm not on the streets but this place means a lot to me.

So I got home Wednesday night to find a letter with some all too familiar franking and found myself muttering "shit shit shit" out loud whilst opening it with slightly trembling hands. It was what I'd been expecting for a year, and I've got to be out by the middle of June. At least I've had a reasonable amount of notice, and I'm quite a minimalist person with furniture and nik-naks but I've been making a conscious effort to not collect clutter since last years indicator of the issues. Seeing a date for leaving in black and white upset me though, and caused me not to be able to sleep on Weds night. If you're awake at 2 am you might as well have a look on Rightmove, right? There are almost 30 apartments where I live and it turns out two of them are empty and currently on the rental market. I managed to get viewings yesterday, one flat was tatty decor wise, one was really nice so I've moved quickly and I managed to get the nice one I wanted. So I'm moving literally across a courtyard. Weird but true. At some point I will leave for good, it's not where I envisage spending the rest of my life, but I want to take my time choosing a house to buy and "properly" settle down in.

At least my moving costs will be minimal, and having lived here for 5 years I know it's safe / quiet etc. But its un-nerving and it's another stress I don't need really. Can't help being a worrier.

However, on a positive note, all this is distracting me from thoughts of the Manchester Marathon, which is possibly a good thing! I'm hoping with a relaxing week next week I will be peaking in time to go for that sub 4 at Manchester. I'm running better than last year, I'm up for it and the weather can't possibly be as bad as last year. Can it? Well if it all goes tits up it's ok, I'm sure I will enjoy it whatever. I have worked out all the scenarios and plans in my head. What can possibly go wrong?!?!